A disheveled, disgruntled and dyspeptic American tourist, just back from a Tripping Through the Trouble Spots tour of some of the globe's less desirable destinations, tacked the following to Insider's door the other day:


Traveler's Manifesto
1. Do away with jet lag once and for all by establishing New York as the standard by which the rest of the world tells time. Breakfast at 8 a.m. in New York should be breakfast at 8 a.m. everywhere in the world at once, including, for example, Fiji, even if it is the middle of tomorrow night there.
Image2. Make the American greenback the universal currency and scrap scrip like francs and drachmas with their faded likenesses of two-bit dictators and dead drag queens. As for the euro, it sounds like something that connects your kidneys to your bladder.
3. Put a muzzle on those weird languages foreigners babble when they are mocking us behind our backs.
4. Junk the swill that passes for "ethnic cooking" and stick to good, old-fashioned fare like French fries, bagels and egg rolls.
5. Recognize Kmart credit cards and other plastic as valid proof of U.S. citizenship. Passports are for foreigners.
6, Shut down stuffy old places like the Louvre and the Hermitage and display the paintings where American travelers can see them -- in the elevators of overpriced hotels, in McDonald's and in the sex clubs of Hamburg.
7. Bar the locals -- at least on weekends, holidays and during daylight hours -- from sites such as the Eiffel Tower and the Great Wall of China. The locals have had hundreds, if not thousands, of years to hang around those joints. It's our turn.
8. Spruce up those dank and drafty churches and castles they make such a fuss about in Europe. The Tower of London, for example, looks as though nobody's lived there in ages.
9. Lay off the history lessons, professor, and stop living in the past. Who cares about Charlemagne, Genghis Khan or Henry VIII? They're all dead (right?).
10. Move the really interesting stuff to the good old U.S. of A., like they did with London Bridge and the Queen Mary. Who needs those long flights, anyway?
(Happy April Fool's Day, one and all.)
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