Richard Turen
Although statistics show a decline in the number of Canadians visiting our country, my clients -- and yours -- still seem to be heading up north.
Here is a short guide for our clients to properly prepare them for the fact that Canadians are not simply unarmed Americans with better healthcare and a national fondness for fleece.
Here are 10 things I believe our clients need to know prior to departure:
1. Politeness is not optional; it is the way they roll. Canadians say "sorry" the way Americans say "umm." They apologize when you bump into them. They apologize when doors bump into them. They apologize when weather happens. If you do not apologize at least once every 45 seconds, a polite but firm Mountie may materialize behind you and gently escort you to a seminar run by Miss Manners.
2. The maple syrup situation is serious. Do not joke about maple syrup. Do not ask if they "have any of the good stuff from Vermont." Canada's maple syrup reserves are strategic. They are guarded. They are nationalized. They are more secure than many American airports.
3. Hockey is not so much a sport as it is a spiritual path. You may think you know hockey. You do not. In Canada, hockey is:
- A religion.
- A political ideology.
- A family therapy method.
- A national mood stabilizer.
If you say you "don't really follow hockey," Canadians will look at you the way Americans look at people who say "I don't really use the internet."
4. Canadian cities are cleaner than most of the overseas visitors they host. Toronto, Vancouver, Montreal -- these cities are so clean you'll feel like you need to shower before entering them. Even the trash cans are polite. If you drop litter, Canadians will not yell. They will simply pick it up, recycle it and give you a look of disappointment that will haunt your dreams for decades.
5. Canadian weather is not particularly complicated. Canada has two seasons: winter and construction.
In winter, temperatures reach levels normally reserved for cryogenic experiments. Canadians call this "a bit brisk." In summer, the entire country is a construction site. Canadians call this "a bit inconvenient." At no point will they complain.
6. Tim Hortons is not a coffee chain. It is a cultural institution. Tim Hortons is where Canadians meet, mourn, gossip, conduct business, raise children and, possibly, elect governments. If you suggest Starbucks is better, you may be placed on a government watch list.
7. Canadian French is not French French. If you visit Quebec, do not attempt your high school French. Quebecers will understand you, but they will not respect you. Canadian French is its own glorious linguistic creature: part poetry, part profanity, part hockey commentary.
8. Canadians love America; they just don't understand it. Canadians watch American news the way Americans watch nature documentaries about dangerous animals. They are fascinated. They are horrified. They are deeply confused. If you say you're from the U.S., they will smile warmly and ask, "Are you... OK?" Do not be disappointed if they do not express a strong desire to become our 51st state. Hide your shock.
9. Wildlife is not cute. It is armed. Canadian wildlife includes: moose the size of SUVs, bears that are bigger than the moose and geese that often exhibit anti-tourist behavior. (Canada geese are not really birds. They are winged gangsters.)
10. Canadians are not mild. They are quietly intense. They seem gentle. They seem calm. They seem endlessly patient. But beneath that polite exterior lies a steely resolve forged by centuries of winters, hockey fights and national debates about the design of milk bags. It would, as we have learned, be a mistake to underestimate them.