You may have heard that Starwood
Capital has launched a hotel brand dedicated to environmental
awareness. It is called 1. If nothing else, it will save ink.
(Hotels like the Venetian in Las Vegas and the Fairmont in
Washington already have environmental programs in place.)
We are using too
many chemicals, too much hardwood and too many calories in our
nation's hotels. Green properties are the future.
That is why I sat
down last week with Ronnie Grindlay, founder and CEO of the new HAG
Hotels chain. This is one chain that is clearly not into the
environment. HAG is initially building properties in Pittsburgh,
New York, Milwaukee and Las Vegas. Grindlay said they would all be
constructed using the same architectural drawing.
"We're thinking 10
floors high and just about 10 floors wide," he said. "But that
could cut into some of our parking lot space, so we'll just have to
see."
Built at a cost of
between $300 million and $400 million per property, HAG is closing
in on an untapped market, Grindlay said.
"We've been reading
so much about yuppie-style lofts, green hotels that don't use
regular soap and staff dressed in Mao costumes that we thought it
was time to design a hotel chain for real people. For American
people. That's why we launched HAG, hotels for American guys. And,
of course, gals."
Grindlay said HAG
was going to revolutionize everything from check-in to room
design.
"Just how are you
going to do that?" I asked.
"Americans don't
want to give up their credit card when they check in," he said.
"They want to get something, so we'll give them a nice, thick
sandwich. We'll find out what they like when they register, and
we'll have it ready for them.
"Our chairs in the
lobby will all be oversize to take into account the needs of our
guests, and our 24-hour buffet will be just off the lobby. This
buffet will be the focal point of our hotels, and each will serve
regional specialties. We'll have the world's largest brat station
at our Milwaukee property.
"Guests don't like
to walk down long corridors. It makes them tired. So all guests
will be driven to their rooms in golf carts."
"What about the
rooms, Ron? Any changes there?" I asked.
"Richard, change is
the byword at HAG Hotels. I didn't leave the tanning salon business
to come up with same old, same old. First off, all of the rooms
will be the same and all will be connecting so families can buy two
rooms. No one will ever ask for an upgrade because every room is
exactly the same size. We'll save money because there won't be any
windows in the rooms. No one looks out hotel windows very much
anyway. With the money we save, we'll equip each room with a
full-size movie screen and a collection of movies they can order
online when they order their check-in sandwich.
"Each room will
have a computerized dumbwaiter, and guests can view the buffet on
their full-size screen and just point and click. The food will
arrive via the dumbwaiter within five minutes, eliminating the need
for our guests to get out of bed to open the door for room
service."
"How about a health
club or a swimming pool?" I asked.
"No we're not going
to do that. Instead, we're going to install a bumper car track at
every property. Americans love crashing their cars into one
another. This is an exercise that doesn't require any physical
exertion, so we think it's going to be a big hit with our guests.
The seats on the bumper cars will be supersized."
"Will you have a
concierge staff?" I asked.
"Not really. That's
a French thing isn't it? No, we're not going to need that. Mostly,
these concierge folks tell people what to do when they leave the
hotel. See that's where the Four Seasons and the Peninsula folks
make their mistake. You don't want guests to leave the hotel.
That's why we're spending so much on the 24-hour buffet and the
movie screen. And then, of course, there's the
bathroom."
"What about the
bathroom, Ron?"
"All hotel
bathrooms are out-of-step with the needs of most Americans. No one
takes a bath anymore, and a very small percentage of us will fit
into a standard bathtub. So we're not going to have any. Instead,
we're going to have the world's largest hotel shower. One complete
side of the bathroom will be the shower, and a waterproof movie
screen will be mounted on the wall. We want our guests to be able
to watch Oprah while they're soaping up. Oh, and we'll have vending
machines in the bathrooms. Now, that's a bathroom."
"Ron, what about
the simple things like a chocolate on the pillow?"
"Richard, at HAG
Hotels, you don't get a chocolate, but you do get a pie on your
pillow. A whole pie. That's one of our signature
amenities."
"Ron any reaction
yet from the folks at Park Hyatt or St. Regis?"
"Well, I know
they're worried. And they ought to be. Their places are dull. I've
got a plan in my head to equip every room and every hallway in our
hotels with a video camera. That way your entire stay is a reality
show and you can watch it in your room. Every HAG guest is a
star.
"So yeah, if I were
them, I'd worry. But one thing they don't have to worry about: HAG
Hotels won't be raiding their overtrained staff. I'll be getting
most of my employees from the Motor Vehicle Bureau. American
government workers taking care of American guests. How you like
them Mandarin oranges, Amanresorts?"
Contributing editor Richard Turen owns Churchill and Turen,
a vacation-planning firm, and has been named to Conde Nast's list
of the World's Top Travel Specialists since the list
began.